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Tai Chi has been a life changing experience for me. Not just
because I now have improved stamina, better energy and more
robust health, although all those things are true; it is
because I now have more control over my physical body, and
that is a revelation and a source of great joy.
I have slight cerebral palsy (CP) down the right side of my
body. I want to stress at this point that, unlike other
people who have CP to a much greater extent than I, mine is
not a glaringly obvious physical challenge. In fact
nowadays, if diagnosed early enough, with the right
treatment children who have slight CP can show rapid
improvement and overcome the challenges they might otherwise
have. Back in the early 60's however, things were not quite
so advanced. I was diagnosed late and my parents were told
that nothing could be done. I didn't start walking until I
was two and balance was so precarious that I would walk
around with my hands in the air like a tightrope walker, so
I wouldn't tip over! At six I had surgery to lengthen a
tendon in my right leg, yet still I walk with a slight limp
on my right side.
As I said earlier, mine is largely a hidden challenge. I
look perfectly normal, I do most of the things other able
people do and often people don't notice the difference. The
only person who really notices is me, and over the years I
have learned to adapt to my environment.
Basically the problem is poor balance and lack of
coordination which meant that I learned to be hyper-vigilant
as a child. I would trip over anything as I tended to drag
my right leg and then fall badly because I couldn't save
myself, so I would look at the ground rather than the world
around me. I dreaded the winter months because I couldn't
keep my balance on icy pavements. Carrying things up and
down stairs has always been tricky as I need a banister to
hold on to and I still get frightened in crowds in case I
get pushed and topple over. And never ask me to fetch a
round of drinks from the bar because I am only comfortable
carrying one at a time! I grew up feeling that my body was
unresponsive and clumsy. I longed for a body that would do
what I asked it to do. Most of all, I wanted to dance. I
have good rhythm and half my body always moved well; the
other half felt lifeless, disconnected and shamefully
uncoordinated.
By the time I got into my thirties I decided that I really
wanted to see if there was anything I could do to improve my
balance and coordination. Conventional physiotherapy did not
appeal as I had tried that as a young teenager; it had not
helped. I tried yoga but it felt too static. Eventually I
decided to try Tai Chi. I had heard of a teacher in
Nottingham, Shelagh Grandpierre, who ran classes. Too
ashamed of showing in public how poorly coordinated I was I
arranged to have individual lessons.
That first lesson was a real eye-opener. First of all,
Shelagh demonstrated some traditional Yang style Tai Chi for
me. I had never seen it before and I was dazzled by the
beauty and poise of her movements. I longed to be able to do
that myself but soon discovered just how much ground I had
to make up.
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The very first obstacle was the Tai Chi Walk. Never before
had I really demonstrated how poor my balance was. Ordinary
walking I had got down to a fine art; after all, I'd been
doing it for over thirty years and had even stopped waving
my hands in the air to keep my balance. But slowing
everything down, moving with intent and, most especially
having to carry all my weight on alternate legs for longer
than is usual was more than I could manage. I was
heartbroken that I could not even stand on my right leg long
enough to move my left leg in front, yet I was determined to
do it. Both Shelagh and I knew at that point that it was
going to be a long hard slog!
For months and months, day after day I practised my Tai Chi
Walk. I came close to giving up so many times because
progress was so painfully slow. I felt angry and despairing
that the simplest movement of putting one foot in front of
the other seemed so impossible Shelagh gave me endless
encouragement and looked at ways that we could modify the
form, but all I could think was that I'll never be able to
do it the way everybody else does. Slowly, slowly I began to
work through the three sections of the traditional Form,
painstakingly concentrating on every single movement to see
how much I could do. Then it dawned on me that, precisely
because it took so much more concentration, I was really
learning how to do Tai Chi from the inside out!
Many people who have no such coordination problems sail
through learning the movements of Tai Chi, but often
learning the movements is all they do and Tai Chi is so much
more than that. For me to have any chance of success I had
to learn to apply the ten essences that the Yang family have
distilled as the essential nature of their Tai Chi form. In
their natural sequence these are:
Lift the head - raise the spirit.
Sink the shoulders - lower the elbows.
Loosen the chest - round the back.
Loosen the waist.
Separate the substantial from the insubstantial.
Coordinate the upper and lower body.
Continuity in movement.
Unite internal intent (mind) and external frame (body).
Use mind not force.
Seek stillness in motion and motion in stillness.
The first two are absolutely crucial, especially for me. In
order for me to balance on my right leg I must first of all
raise my spirit and look beyond as well as sink my shoulders
and move my energy down to the dantien. Once I'd worked that
out and discovered that balance was impossible without it
progress became fast, and I began to work more on the other
essences. Gradually my Tai Chi training became more internal
as I grappled with applying the essences as well as learning
the mechanics of the movements.
And so here I am today. I wish I could say that all the
problems had disappeared but of course they haven't. It is
still very hard work and I can stand on my right leg for
maybe a few seconds before toppling over. I can't move as
well as other people but I move brilliantly for me. Thanks
to my streak of stubbornness that refuses to let me give in
and a dedicated teacher I have gone further than I ever
dreamed possible. And I dance. Blissfully.
Sarah is a trained counsellor and lives and works in
Nottingham, UK. |
